I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
