You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS