I can feel you judging me through the phone.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Randomize
