this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
