I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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