I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
