Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Randomize
