What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
