I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
