Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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