i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
