I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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