I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
