He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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