I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
