Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
