Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
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