Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
