You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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