Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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