It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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