So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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