Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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