I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
