sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
