I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
