We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
