If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
