I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
