the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
