Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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