Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
