Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
