Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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