Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
