I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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