the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
it hurts more in the daytime
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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