I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize
