Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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