hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
You can't just leave with hair like that
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
