I must be too annoying 4 u.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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