yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"