I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
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You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
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Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.