Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.