i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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