My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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