The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
