I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
