the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
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He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
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I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
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