I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
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low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
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I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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