I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
