I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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