I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
