I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
