She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
