Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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