Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
