he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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