Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
