My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
