well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
