I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Four minutes until I can fart!
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
