I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
