I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
