i was rollin on her like bob the builder
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
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ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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