if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.