fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16