After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.