Are we in a gay sports bar?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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